Back in January, I decided to enroll in Sandra Coan Certification. It’s a course that focuses on consistency in all areas of my photography business from lighting to posing to editing, website, social media, etc… I’ve known Sandra for a really long time first being introduced to her teaching on CreativeLive and then when I enrolled in her Missing Link course probably back in 2014. I’m even featured on her blog (go read it after you read this).

Like all courses, it started with figuring out my “why.” Why do I do what I do? I began to write down the obligatory, “To create beautiful pictures that will become the next generation’s treasured heirlooms.” Nice, right? Like a freaking Hallmark card. And while that “why” is certainly true, it’s not my real why. Well, it’s not the whole story anyway. My real why is not pretty. It’s messy. It’s complicated. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows.

But we’ll get to that in a moment.

Call me a masochist, but I crave constructive criticism, I have actively been seeking it since 2015, only to be met with fluff answers by industry leaders. I knew that this certification course included several 1:1 Zoom calls with Sandra, to go over those aforementioned areas – lighting, posing, editing, and website – and I knew she would give it to me straight. She’s respectfully direct, and that’s exactly what I needed. I’m in my 13th year as a professional photographer, but Imposter Syndrome is real, and I can suffer from a lack of confidence just like most creatives I know. When it comes to lighting, I know what I like and how to create it – but thanks to Sandra and a few tweaks here and there, and the consistency I’m now seeing has my heart singing. I’m confident in my posing & editing – as a film photographer, my lab does most of my editing and keeps me consistent (thanks PhotoVision). My website has gotten a complete and total overhaul – go ahead, check it out – but make sure to come back here for the rest of the story!

The 1:1 calls with Sandra quickly became more of a therapy session, and I’m so thankful – because due to some self-reflection and a healthy dose of courage, I have realized that my true “why” should be shared. See if I’m to capture your true authentic self, then I need to start by being my true authentic self. For far too long I’ve used wording on my website and social media that I thought sounded pretty – but they were just words instead of true insight into what I can truly do for you.

Dearest gentle reader, if you have made it this far, thank you. I promise reading to the end will be well worth it.

Why #1

My entire life I have scoured the faces in a crowd to see if there were any that looked like mine. I come from a small town where everyone is related to everyone, and you can tell, often just by a glimpse, who belongs to which family because their features are so similar to their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles & cousins. I couldn’t ever find a face that looked like mine. At 3 days old I was adopted by my parents (the luckiest day of my life if you ask me). And although I grew up blonde like my dad, and artistically inclined like my mom, I often wondered where did my blue eyes come from, my smile, my pointed chin?

When I was about 5 years old, my parents bought a little 110 Kodak camera. I quickly took it over and carried it everywhere, dropping off several rolls each week at Ed’s 5 & Dime to be processed. I took pictures of my cat, flowers, and friends on field trips – you name it, I photographed it. I quickly became our family historian and when cousins were born, I had to take my trusty camera along for a picture of the new family – and then would marvel at whose features the baby most resembled.

I’ve realized I’m a seeker of faces. I’m still obsessed with finding that common thread of similar features that runs through a family. I love learning about everyone’s personalities and what connects them.

Side note: A couple of years ago I found my birth mother. She is a lovely lady with a beautiful life and family. I inherited her smile as well as her blue eyes that disappear when she smiles. So does her daughter – we bear a striking resemblance to each other.

Why #2

In April of 2004, I miscarried with our first baby. It was devastating, to say the least. The only proof that I have of that tiny little life is a treasured grainy sonogram photo. The realization that when someone or something is gone, all we have is photos as proof slammed me in the face like a ton of bricks. When my oldest, Payton, was born I obsessively had him photographed professionally every month. I took countless rolls of photos of him with my own camera. The urge I felt to not miss a single moment of his life consumed me.

To say the lives of my kiddos have been well documented by photos would be like saying Niagra Falls is a cute little waterfall.

Their’s were the first faces that I ever looked at and saw myself staring back.

So my answer, my “why,” is this:

Life is a precious gift from God. It can be taken away in a heartbeat, and all we would be left with are photos as proof that it happened. That we happened. That our children, our parents, grandparents, friends happened. So that future generations remember us and know who they looked like and how we’re connected.

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